oh boy, a back to school entry.

These next two years are going to be my busiest ever. These are the major years that start the shaping of where I'll be after graduation. this year I'll still be trying to hit at least 40 hours a week of work, and 18 credits on top of that. That's about an 80 hour work week, plus I'm going to need to do some sort of volenteer work to build a resume. The nice thing about working at Armstrong is that I'm going to have a shitload of customer service expierience, and it's just an all-around nice looking job- professional and all that good stuff. Now I just need some more field-releated expierience. I am thinking just 3-5 hours a week of volenteering, maybe at a woman's shelter or child care place. I've done some research on the jobs I'm interested in, most callfor 1-2 years expierience, which I can get through volenteering....I just won't sleep for the next two years. Aha.

I've come to the realization that I am exactly where I want to be in life. I've never really felt this perfectly content before, not ever. I'm satisfied with my job, although it makes my brain bleed sometimes, I make very good money, I can afford just about everything I want without worrying or living off my parents. for the first time in my life I'm relativly completly independent. My parents pay for my schooling, but I'm very proud to be able to support myself in every other aspect of my life. I'm happy with my friends and family, and my friends that will be family very soon. I've met the love of my life at a relativly young age, the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with and make a family with, God willing!

I never really thought I'd ever be this completely satisfied with life, I have times when I'm completely overwhelmed, but all in all...I have it pretty damn good =)

Felling kinda: content

Oh damn.

I'm kind of realizing how much growing up is about to happen.

Every night I come back to my room here in my dorm. Kind of lonely. I'm so excited to move into the house next month, but I'm still going to be alone for the summer. I have a feeling coming home to an empty house is going to be a little worse. I wish I could have a cat there or something. Something cuddly to have with me at night. That would be nice.

I'm also slowly realizing that last summer was the last time I would have really lived at home. I wonder how long before "my room" won't really be my room anymore. Guest room? Extension to the laundry room? Storage space? Kind of depressing.

Exciting though too. This time next year I'll be excited and preparing to move in with Justin, hopefully embarking on my final year at school before I never ever have to step into another classroom again. That's a nice thought.

At this point I really do have a general idea of where the next couple years will take me. Anything could change, but I pray to God things go relativly the way I see it.

I know a lot of people, probably everyone save Bree and Tara, think I'm jumping the gun a little bit when it comes to Justin. But really, I was there for the last year, just watching him, always around and always just there, on the outside looking in. Never wanting to cross that line, never wanting to fuck things up, feeling horrible for entertaining the thought of crossing those lines, I never wanted to hurt anyone, and I never imagined he was thinking the same things. For the last year. As far as I'm concerned I fell in love with his friendship a long time ago, everything else just completely fell into place in the last couple of months. I've never felt this passionate about something before. I've never felt this secure.

I really never put much thought into my own wedding, or having kids, but that seems to be all that runs though my mind lately. Well, I will hold off on the kids, I hope! ahh. ; )

I sometimes hate nights like this. Nights when your brain doesn't want to shut off. Your day, week, life...it all just keeps reeling and reeling. I kind of hate this limbo we all happen to be in right now. I know I'm not alone, but sometimes you can't help but feel a little lonely anyway. Our lives are all kind of going everywhere, and we're all equal in the craziness. Poor bree and Vince will have to be apart over the summer after living together all year, that would kill me to be three hours away from Justin, that's strength right there. Tara's dad nearly died in the last few months, he's doing better, but it shows that we arn't invincible, and someday we will live on without our parents. If we're lucky. Kendra's having a baby. I know she's sad I don't see her as often as we both would like, but I guess that's really the test of friendship, can you grow on with your lives, grow into your own person and your own life and still have that connection? I think we do. She's still someone I would trust with my life, and although my life is migrating more towards butler and slippery rock, my heart is still right there with her and now brodie.

ah. boy. it's 4:45. My eyes are kind of burning and the only thing on television are infomercials and the fresh prince of bel air. Maybe my brain will shut off now. Maybe.

Felling kinda: contemplative

Wellllllllll

MArch is drawing to a close, meaning only about 5-odd weeks left until schools out for summer, depending on if I take some extra summer courses that is. I don't want to, but I guess that's life- doing things you don't want to do.

I'm in a bad mood right now. I guess I'm just sick of living where I am now, I can't wait to move into the house in May, it's going to be w o n d e r f u l to have a kitchen again. I'm sick of living by myself. I miss living with kendra, we had a lot of misadventures. haha.

I'm e-mailing my new advisor now. It's kind of just hitting me that I'm not going into the teaching profession anymore. I feel better and better about the decision every day, but I still feel stressed to the breaking point sometimes.

It's really just that time of year I guess. You're excited because it's finally warer but you're depressed because you're still stuck inside a classroom. And I in work. all. the. time. class to work, repeat. It's getting old! I can't wait for some vacation time away from all this head pounding stress.

I wish sleep wasn't neccesary. Think of how much more you could accomplish in your life! Hell, you could squeeze another life into your life. I'd be done with school in 2 years, not freaking 4.

I'm scheduling the 17th of April, I have to decide pretty damn quick what classes I need and if I'm motivated enough to go another three weeks at this place and coop myslef up indoors while it's so nice out. I can do it! ...I think.

It really is just that time of year when you feel like the whole world is pushing down on you a bit. You're pulled in every which direction, all the while not really knowing which way is up or down, or if you're moving forward of backward.

annnnnddddd now nyquil is kicking in. goodnight!

Hmm.

I'm home rather early. It's only 12:45! Oh well, I have to say that a lot was packed into this amazing day =)

I'm on spring break now, so it's SO NICE to sleep in! oh wow, I missed it so much. So today I slept in until about 11. ahhh. I did wake up to something I have grown to not be so used to...sandwiched between two 100-lb German Shepards. Oh I do miss my two furry cuddle buddies. Anyway, as always, pop online to say hello to Justin while he's at work, then I actually went and bonding with my mom for awhile! I know. Amazing.

I actually had a very good talk with her. We don't get to talk as much now that I'm away 99% of the time, but we talked about all the mushy-girly stuff, how she and dad ended up married and why they waitied so long after the marriage to have me and whatnot. You know, you never realize until you're fairly grown up that your parents are usually very put together, at least I think mine are. I want a marriage like theirs, it's about as perfect as it gets. They get along so well, I have never heard them fight in the twenty years I've been around, or at least the 15 I was aware of my surroundings. haha.

I'll admit, with Bree being home we've been talking about wedding plans 24/7, and with Kendra's Brodie on the way I'm so excited for my friends! I love talking about the upcoming years and where we'll all be, I have some plans that I pray to God every night will work out. I know EXACTLY where I want to be in the future, and all that matters is Justin's in that picture. I told my mom today I think he's the one for me, I think she's happy, she just keeps telling me she thinks he's cute. haha. She hasn't really got a chance to get to know him, but that'll change eventually.

I love Tuesdays. Today was my day off, so as soon as Justin got off work I met him at his house and we went out to eat and then for a walk in the woods behind his house. It was so fun and romantic. He took me to all the little spots he and his friends used to hang out at and just have fun, then we sat on a ledge and talked for awhile. I really am hopelessly in love with him, I don't remember a time I didn't have him. He has single handedly made me forget every guy I had ever dated or been with or whatever. I just can't imagine a life without him in it.

I just love him =)

listen to: Bless the Broken Road - Rascal Flatts

hey,

Well, time has gone by and it's been wonderful. A lot has changed in the last month or so any I'm happier now than I've been in a long time. Generally when I write in here I'm usually pissed or upset or something like that, but right now I feel as though my entire life has come into place, and that place is completely amazing!

Just to be warned, this could be a very mushy entry.

Let's start with just major changes in general. I completely changed my major around from secondary ed to social work. I still think I'd like to work with kids, maybe troubled or child services, but I'm still not even real sure about that. I figure I'll get the degree, which is the most important thing, and then from there I'll decide. I have an amazing job right now, and by the time I graduate college I'll be making quite a bit more than most coming right out...that and I won't have any crazy loans to pay off thanks to my family. Also, I suppose this leads me into the other new aspect of my life.

Justin Justin Justin!

Wow, you know that song by Sugarland..whole world could change in a minute? Everything's changed because of him. My life has like this new found burst of sunshine that I've never expierienced before, not with anyone I've ever dated or talked with or whatever, he's seriously the most perfect guy I've ever met! I honestly believe he's my perfect match, I've never fallen this fast or hard over any other guy, and I've dated all the types. Jocks, nerds, gamers, greasers, country boys, preps, it's like he's this insanely perfect balance of every redeeming quality in those types. He's a sweetheart and a hardass, as weird at that sounds. I'm going to marry him one day.

Yup, you heard me. Stop rolling your eyes, George. I think he's the one, I honestly do. When I'd date before, I could say hmm, maybe this could be the one, but with Justin it's like an innate sense...I just know, no questions asked. I think this is what country songs are written after. I never thought this would ever happen to me, not ever did I think I'd feel this complete. I've never fallen this hard...and I do not plan on getting up.

Yeah, this is what dreams are made of.

Felling kinda: grateful

I like a boy.
He makes me smile like no other.
maybe he just has a contagious smiley disease.
If that's the case, I don't mind having it.




I'm going to see Hinder in Feb :)

It's like 6:15 and I seriously can't fucking sleep.

rant rant rant

I wish I could just shut my fucking brain off and just sleep! But no! I'm just lying here having stupid, pointless conversations in my head of things I want to say so bad but will never have the courage to. I just poured myself a glass of tequilla rose and milk. maybe that'll knock me out.

seriously, brain, just call it a night, will you?

rant rant rant.

so pointless.

Cause there's holes in the floor of heaven
And her tears are pouring down
That's how you know she's watching
Wishing she could be here now
And sometimes when I'm lonely
I remember she can see
Yes, there's holes in the floor of heaven
And she's watching over you and me





I kinda sorta fully came to a realization a little bit ago...this is going to be the first Christmas without my grandma.

Christmas is a huge holiday. Religion, tradition, family and friends...it's all huge. big money and big presets and big decorations, so much goes into the holidays. But last mothers day my grandma bowed out, and I'm never going to have another Christmas with her.

Ever since I can remember my grandma spent the night at our house. Her husband died when my mom was sixteen, and I didn't come until almost a decade later. I even remember before Andrew was born grandma would sleep in what was then the spare bedroom. I was younger than four and I remember that. After he was born she would sleep in the bed while he was in the cradle until he was big enough for the bed and she she would sleep with me. We would always go to my cousins for Christmas Eve and then afterwards Andrew, grandma, and I would all pile in my bed and grandma would read us 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. That was one of my favorite holiday memories.

When I got older I noticed grandma loved to sit in front of our Christmas tree. I always wanted to ask her what she thought about. I really wish I had when I had the chance. I really, really do.

Now this Christmas is the first one without her. I could never in a million years imagine a Christmas without grandma maboo, but here I am, three days before and she's not here.

I know my mom's feeling it too. Her mom was her best friend in the whole world. Now this will be her first Christmas without her too. Not only that, but now in January my dad has to get another surgury...on her birthday.

I think I've lost a friend too, in all this mess...replaced and kicked to the curb. What a Christmas present. Maybe I didn't mean that much anyway.


Christmas has just lost all its magic this year.

one song,
glory.
one song before I go,
glory.
one song to leave behind.



I hate winter!


I hate being cold more than anything in the world. cold makes me sad.

Winter just makes me sad. I hate being lonely and sad.

I really have myself to blame. I'm picky. Really picky. Picky about everything. I care about what a guy does for a living, what school he goes to/went to, what his goals in life are, if he holds the door open, what he's done in the past, little stuff. Big stuff. I like interesting pasts. Mine is boring.

It's hard to meet people. It's easy to meet people. It's insanely easy to meet people when you switch jobs. Good lord, 90% of the guys I've dated in the past two years have been directly or indirectly related to working at Ponderosa, and now I am thrown into an environment where the guy to girl ratio is about 20 to 1. It's crazy.

I feel like I'm in such a huge limbo right now. I just want to move on with my life.

I've also recently become obsessed with Journey. Random fact.

And with that, I leave you with:

Don't stop believin'
hold on to that feelin'


*sigh*

Current Location: Middlesex
Felling kinda: apathetic
listen to: Journey - Don't Stop Believin'

It's a crazy world out there.

Been awhile since my last post, I figured it was time for another. Let's see, what could I do to summarize what has happened since last?

Well, Things are complicated with him, I guess that's the best way to put it. I'm better though, than I was, but at the same time it's kind of odd, trying to get over your first really broken (hurt, bruised, whatever) heart. I really don't recommend it. At the same time, though, I'm managed to keep him in my life, unlike past relationships. Maybe because I was on the other end of the dumping spectrum. I love him, in a relationship or not, I do. What else can I possibly say?


School is kind of kicking my ass. I work hard but it's just impossible sometimes. Maybe next semester will be better. I hope so. It looks like I'm going to have to stick around another semester or two, too. I just can't seem to get all the classes I need. Scheduling this time around was a nightmare, I couldn't fet into anything I wanted. Argh.

Armstrong is pretty awesome. The people there are hilarious/nice/intellegent/whatever. It's a whole different world from Ponderosa. No drugs and whatnot, haha. Just a bunch of guys, and guys are so much better than girls, I love it. I really havn't missed Pondo at all. Maybe because i havn't had the time to miss it. whatever.

Now today I get to sit and be critiqued by my creative writing class for 30 minutes. I'm truly not real excited by that. I'm not real great with critisism, but they might like my writing, I can keep my fingers crossed I suppose.

Anyway, I have 8 minutes to go before class, I should probably get moving.

Felling kinda: apathetic